| November 27, 1996
there once was a man named Dan
he had a big blue van
then he used some ink
and painted it pink
now we all call him Jan
there once was a boy names tristan
had something caught in his piston
stuck his hand in
then said with a grin
reminds me of me and mom fistin'
there once was a man named dan
he washed his hair in a pan
but the shampoo was stout
and his hair fell out
now he keeps his hair in a can
November 28, 1996
there once was a man named wes
who's brain i must confess
was small as a pea
had a brain like a bee
and man was that boy a mess
dan's van it is so blue
that the sky has nothing on it
it was called the super van
but now it's called blue bonnet
tristan wolfe has a van
it's only cooling is a fan
and when it will go
it is so slow
we were once passed by a man
November 29, 1998
have you heard about walter lee
he happens to live with me
he goes to the shower
stays for an hour
only comes out to take a pee
then one day i asked him why
he began this teary eyed cry
he said my skin is dirty
i said not to worry
and i began to tell the guy
listen to my thoughts please
you hands elbows feet and knees
they are clean
so don't get mean
your problem is that your chinese
tristan's poem
'washington is the place i'd like to be
a nice little place right by the sea
plenty of geeks
plenty of freaks
and thousands of guys hitting on me'
i once had a cow
ol' dan had a sow
and tom well he had a pig
my cow would moo
dans pig it would soo
and crazy toms pig would just jig
Tom the Hero
there once was a man named tom noble
he lived in a home which was mobile
he thought of a plan
the plan was quite grand
and it's proportions were global
he would get his sweet mom
to take this big bomb
and plant it in time square
she would just go
nobody would know
that ol' tom's bomb was there
but tom's mom was nuts
and hung out with the sluts
and ended up blowing the mayor
there once was a man named mahn
who had to go use the john
but the toilet was fool
so he thought it was cool
and so he just went on the lawn
rob,rob, you think you're strong
but you are so weak
i once heard brent steffen say
that you are just a geek
T-U-L-I-V-A-K
we all know that tristan's gay
F-A-G-G-O-T-S
we all know that he loves wes
T-R-I-S-O-M-E
brent stef-fen is lover three
tristan likes chains and whips
especially on his hips
he asked her the absurd
but she misheard
and gave him a whip to the lips
there once was a man named trissy
everyone said he's a sissy
he saw his friend dan
said'i love you man'
and gave him a little kissy
November 30, 1996
when i was eight
i felt so great
until i came upon a beggar
said 'your in luck
gimme a buck
and you can come to our kegger
come in here
have lot's of beer
my dollar gimme gimme'
'there's no beer here
you stupid q____'
and i kicked him in the jimmy
tristan's mom is so fat
she has to sneak up on the cat
it starts to purr
then looks at her
and decides that it's time to chat
'don't eat me' it says
'i'm skinny i guess
or at least compared to the dog'
and she thinks for a sec
says what the heck
goes out and eats the hog
hello my name is tristan wolfe
and i am nothing but a stupid goof
i am so stupid
that i once asked cupid
to shoot an arrow through my roof
now i love my ceiling
but i get this feeling
that it loves me no more
i rub it's surface
but it's only purpose
is to knock me on the floor
one nice day as i drove my car
i saw tristan wolfe from far
with a lady of royal fat
i happened to notice that
they were leaving a run-down bar
thought 'tristan must be drunk
i'll help out that little punk
and give him a ride home'
as i drew near
he grabbed her rear
as his hands started to roam
i said let me help
and he said with a yelp
big dog just stay calm
he said there is no matter
for she with whom i chatter
happens to be my mom
another 'ode to tristan'
you rhyme and you rhyme
well you rhyme all the time
and every single day
but i think we all know
that as far as flow goes
you really have nothing to say
December 5, 1996
little dan got his d#$%
caught up in his button
his mom saw this and right away
she began a cuttin'
and much to dan's dismay
on the floor it lay
all shriveled and purple and wrinkled
and in all his pain
lil' dan caused some rain
and on the floor he tinkled
oc: O.K. so maybe this wasn't the best poem in the world, but it still isn't as stupid as tristan
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when crespo was a boy
he had a little toy
he liked to play with every day
you'd better stop
cause it'll fall off
or you could go blind they would say
crespo didn't hear them
he paid them all no mind
he still plays with tiny tim
and still has not gone blind
December 17, 1996
dan is a fool
thinks that he's cool
and acts like he's so damn smart
but i think he knows
and it really shows
he's about as smart as a fart
he is so dumb
sucks on his thumb
as he stays in his room everyday
and i turned red
when brent steffen said
he thinks that his roommate is gay
to his surprise
brent said close your eyes
and i'll give you a nice little treat
and when he was blind
brent creeped up from behind
and gave him a slice of his meat
December 21, 1996
wally, oh wally
how is your car
has it been running
has it gone very far
what about steering
the liquid it leaks
did you need to add more
to stop all the squeaks
then there's the inside
with carpet so nice
wouldn't you know it
it flooded twice
your car is green
and it's mean and it's bad
but who can count
all the body work that it's had
look at those tires
so sweet and so new
how long will it be
before they go too
so there goes wally
with his big machine
he ain't goin' far
if you know what i mean
December 22, 1996
while lying in bed
young wally said
i wish i had a woman or two
but there are none here
and even though i'm not qu#$%
i guess my friend greenwalt will do
December 23, 1996
:to the tune of jingle bells:
tristan wolfe, tristan wolfe
he'll take all your dough
take you for everything your worth
and you won't even know ho
you'll go out to eat
he will make you pay
you will always treat
as he's laughing all the way
ha, ha, ha
he would sell you out
fo-or just a dime
or even sell his mom
he does it all the time ooooooooooooooooooooh
tristan wolfe, tristan wolfe
he'll take all your dough
take you for everything your worth
and you won't even know
June 19, 1997
well wild bill hitchcock,
i decided to take a little time out of my day to write you a little poem
there once was a boy named willie
he was gettin' up on this phillie
got her on the ground
pulled her pants down
to find out the phillie was billy
(phillie and billy are slang for guy and girl, respectively of course)
ODE TO BILL KENNEDY
isn't it sad
this irish lad
should walk 'round so proud and so smug
but as we all know
as irish go
there only talent is hitting the jug
but it seems to me
bill's french as can be
with his sob and his cry and his moan
and when straight to you
he says "sacre bleu"
you'll know that he's french to the bone
and he'll tell you he's best
'cause he's from the midwest
so constantly will he boast
but it's not truth
for he spent his youth
growing up on the west coast
but this young lad
he's not so bad
oft times we drink us some stout
but if he drinks more than a glass
you can bet your white ass
young bill will be passing right out
June 20, 1997
MY TALK WITH TRISTAN
with tristan my pal
i spoke for a while
about all his problems and worries
we spoke about money
his lack of a honey
and all of life's little hurries
he said of the dough
any man is his foe
who has not the money for he
that's why he likes dan
likes bill all he can
and has all these feelings for me
we then went to eat
naturally my treat
then he started speaking of lust
he know's it's a sin
but he wants to give in
but i said that a womans a must
realizing what's wrong
we trotted along
and went to the money machine
he then took my dough
to go buy him a ho
yeah get out on that prostitute scene
out on the street
we saw a petite
wearing a tight miniskirt
he gave her the money
she thought it was plenty
and wolfe put his hand down her shirt
breasts should have been there
but instead there was hair
but tristan didn't bother to shove
i'm finally in
he said with a grin
i've finally met my true love
June 25, 1997
THREE GOOD FRIENDS
hail, hail
the gangs all here
bills all drunk
and wolfes all queer
and dan is out
behind his van
looking for wolfe
'cause he wants a man
and theres drunken bill
hes on the floor
and there goes dan
he wants some more
'run drunk bill
just run away
but to the bathroom he goes
'cause he too wants to play
then the three friends
go out into the rain
with wolfe at the healm
there gonna ride that train
July 1, 1997
i wrote a little poem for you kids (to the tune of jack sprat)
tristan wolfe could do no wrong
and bill could do no right
so every night when they're in bed
they begin to fight
'cause little bill is done so fast
tris' don't have a chance
to rub on lil' billy's chest
or get out of his pants
tristan told young bill to wait
'fore he shot his little bullet
but little billy shot his gun
'fore tris could even pull it
July 2, 1997
Subject: another car poem
little wally
make a folly
and bought a piece of shit car
so he gets in
scratches his chin
'cause he ain't gonna go very far
so he went to wes
said 'do your best'
to fix up this ol' piece of crap
when wes was done
lee had no fun
for his car could not go for a lap
so he went to dan
dan thinks he's the man
'cause with cars he's very strong
but i think that we'll see
if the car of young lee
can possibly run very long
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