Dan Armstrong's PoemsEverybody

Dan Armstrong's Poems

December 5, 1996

One thing in your poem is wrong,
it's your infatuation with my _____.
You got the rhyme, you got the beat,
but in your thoughts there burns this heat,
that makes my _____ for which you write,
instead of one who's small and tight.

Infatuation I think it might,
but I think that it's really like,
your more familiar with your dink,
than you are with the soft pink,
so go ahead, for as long,
as you wish to write about my _____.

But listen close and take to heart,
that we only know you in part,
and if you show yourself like the other day,
we might start to think you gay,
and then next time we're out having fun,
we may think twice about asking you to come.


Josh's momma was so big,
that she was once confused for a pig,
and when the butcher was all done,
he began to have a little fun,
for the pussy that was in his hands,
couldn't fight or even stand,
so it was his, as he wanted it,
and he took it home, and then flaunted it.

There once was this guy named Noble,
Who was born inside of some rubble,
and as he flew out,
he said with a shout,
"Look out, and don't burst my bubble!"

    /     \
   <  O O  >
    |  ^  |
    | \_/ |
      | |
     /   \
     || ||
     <> <>

December 6, 1996

There once was a guy from Kentucky,
Who wanted a little sucky sucky,
Josh's mom looked at him,
and said with a grin,
"I think your going to get lucky."

There once was a guy from Kentucky,
Who wanted a little sucky sucky,
Josh's mom looked at him,
with ___ on her chin,
and said, "Now I really feel lucky."

There once was a guy named Tommy,
who at 20 still lived with his mommy,
when bringing home girls,
to rock all their worlds,
he'd bring his friend Johnny for mommy.

There once was a guy named Brent Steffen,
who like to eat on the muffin,
as she started to twitch,
he said to the _____,
"Hold on, 'caus this isn't nuthin."

There once was a guy named Wally,
Who had big arms, by golly,
but compared to the rest,
he had not a chest,
and girls thought it quite a folly.

There once was this guy Frank,
who's crotch really was stank,
with puss and lice,
and even dead mice,
his odor really was rank.

There once was a guy named Chad
Who everybody thought went mad,
with a half dozen cars,
in the parking lot far,
only one ran and he felt real sad.

My supervisor is getting pissed,
because I keep on writing this ____,
since I am still a trainee
I practically have to ask to go pee,
and freedom is something that is really missed.

I'm out,

December 7, 1996

Today has passed as slow as could be,
I'm sitting here thinking "Why me?"
I'm bored as hell with nothing to do,
So I just thought I would write you.

A little poem to waste the time,
only simple words that happen to rhyme,
is enough to make the last hour pass,
while I'm stuck sitting here on my ass.


December 19, 1996

There once was a guy from LA,
who had nowhere to stay,
so in the dark night,
he got in a fight,
with a bum, for cardboard to lay.

There once was a guy named Lee,
Who always talked about me,
But when he said Dan,
Everyone ran,
'Cause they wanted to just leave me be.

There once was a guy named Wally,
Who when old became a baldy,
But the women said,
"Let us rub your head",
And he replied, "Oh, golly."

There once was a family from Asia,
Who wished that they were from Malaysia,
But inside the States,
They met their fate,
And lived inside LA ya.
(ok, the last line needs some work)

There once was a big green Torino,
Which was once owned by Sergeant Tudino,
But in Angelo,
Its value did grow,
When Lee bought it from a Philipino.

More on the way. . .

Tristan, Tristan, he's the man,
he eats right out of the garbage can,
and when his stomache begins to ache,
he goes to swim inside the lake,
and when his legs begin to cramp,
he towels himself til no longer damp,
and when his mom tells him to come home,
he gives her a big throbbing bone,
and when his mom begins to scream,
he fills her mouth with his protein cream.

Is that sick enough for you, Tristan?

There once was a man named Walter,
Who liked to wear a halter,
But when putting it on,
He got caught in the John,
And then he got pissed and mauled her.

There once was a guy named Brent,
Who came from a place called Kent,
And when on the streets,
He sold it real cheap,
And then used it to pay the rent.

There once was a guy named Noble,
Who seemed related to Rubble,
When growing some hair,
Everyone stared,
'Cause all that he had was stubble.

There once was a guy from Midland,
Who dated a woman from Finland,
When two years had passed,
He'd been tappin' that ass.
And he was now stuck in Kidland.

There once was a guy named Josh,
Who wore clothes by Gosh,
When at a school,
He felt like a fool,
'Cause the kids wore the same clothes.
(What else rhymes with Josh?)

December 20, 1996

"Guilty as Charged!" cried the Judge,
"This should teach the little kid
to steal from me a piece of fudge,
for this child I should get rid
of instantly, to the jail he goes,
with men, who'll treat him as one of their hoes." (ho's?)
The child fled, the child wept,
for the jail in which he was gonna be kept
was the worst in the city, the county, the state,
and he knew he was in for some awful r---.
With the punishment cruel, he thought it was cool
to try and get back into school,
and the judge agreed "It is a good deed,
to see a young man allow his mind to feed
on the knowledge that makes the world grow strong,
and keeps one in the right and not in the wrong.
So to school you go, don't even be slow
for the jail is waiting for you to know."

Where once was a guy names Wes,
Who thought that he was the best,
But when the girl saw Dan,
She said, "What a man,
There's no need to look at the rest."

December 22, 1996

                /  \
               /    \
              /      \
             /  +--+  \
            /   |+Q|   \
    ## ## ##    +--+    ## ## ##

December 30, 1996

There once was a guy named Lee,
Who from the Army wanted to flee,
But during his run,
He was shot with a gun,
And his last words were, "Why me?"

Cos mootj laanf cos mootj ngwoif teen Taans,
Khi docj nayf thif anh aays bij phaanf,
Vaf sao khi bij cheets,
Tooi dax daof huyeetj heets,
Vaf baay giowf anh Taans luoon bij down.

There once was a guy named JP,
Who really had to go pee,
But the bathroom was full,
And acting the fool,
He decided to piss on me.

There once was a guy from Phili,
Who always acted quite silly,
But when having some fun,
He slept with a nun,
And now he's a born-again Christian, Really.

There once was a guy named Feldmeyer,
Who wanted to run for mayor,
But during the political race,
He was shot in the face,
And Scott said "I'm doing all of you a favor."

There once was a man named Feldmeyer,
Whos services were always for hire,
When doing his work,
He was always a jerk,
And would never hesistate to fire.

Just in case you couldn't tell, JP has started working shifts today.

I say, "Joshua Jericho,
Where did that hair go,
Did you forget it in bed,
Or on your wig holding head?

"Did you leave it during lunch,
in a fury to munch?
Did you leave it in the car,
or high up in the stars?

"Say where oh where did it go,
did it get stuck in the snow,
Did it get called a fro,
and decide to grow real slow?

"The world will never know. . ."

June 20, 1997

There once was a guy named Bill,
who said that he has his fill,
of Tristan's dick,
which was making him sick,
But thank God he was on the pill.

Willy P, nobody knows,
Except for the cheap Waikiki ho's.

Willy P, is always the question,
which leads me into deep contemplation,
to think maybe not, to think maybe so,
I guess I will have to go ask the ho.

Willy P, I guess he must,
for if not he would surely bust,
from the inside of his bladder,
the urine would splatter,
all over the rest of us.

Willy P, the thought of the day,
is he straight or is he gay,
he talks about chicks,
but looks at guys' dicks
fondly, what else can I say?

Willy P, oh Willy P,
why don't you just let me be?
You ride in my van,
and think that you can,
just take advantage of me.

Willy P is the way the name goes,
for all of those who want to be foes,
for the man for which these poems I write
is always looking for a good healthy fight.

Kevin McKee, will always be
smoking along with TV,
cigarette in hand,
is all he demands,
for living in luxury.

Wesley Miles, with all his styles,
of hats and boots and buckles,
thinks himself cool, than rather the fool,
but everyone else just chuckles.

There once was a man named Wes,
who put Tristan through the test,
of taking it from behind.
Oh Tristan did pass,
because of his ass,
being of the extremely loose kind.

Tristan Wolfe once had a good side
that he always managed to hide,
except there once was a time,
he gave me a dime,
and didn't expect to ride.

Tristan Wolfe once bought me a strap
for BDU's of course,
I said, "What's this crap,
I mean thank you chap,
but his kindness, what is the source?"

There once was a guy with a parrot,
who didn't want to share it.
It stayed in his van,
Without even a fan,
And died of the greedy man's merit.

There is a white van,
which once while I ran,
I passed on an uphill,
but it gained some speed
and chased after me,
driver determined to kill.

There once was a guy named Ralph,
who really had a big mouth,
he never shut up,
looks like a lost pup,
or perhaps a little like Alf.

I repeat, he never shuts up!!!

Mid's I hate.

August 7, 1997

The guy with the sid jagree3,
was writing some poems about me,
but they were weak,
coming from that geek,
how to really write poems he will see.

There is this guy Willy P,
who likes to make fun of me,
but to his surprise,
then to his demise,
I strangled him with TP.

Brent Steffen is a guy I know,
that thought it would be fun to blow
snot out his nose,
through a rubber hose,
but found out that the snot would not flow.

Little girls and possibly squirrels,
are what ol' Wes does like,
If the squirrels are hiding,
and the girls aren't riding,
the he'll settle for a good dike.

Chickens squack, and people talk,
but it all seems the same.
They make some sound, but all around,
it's a shame that they are so lame.

Someday my van will run.

August 13, 1997

After two weeks without,
I wanted to pout,
as my van broke down today.

I started it up,
then backed it out,
and then without a doubt,

The alternator fried,
I could have died,
It was just running yesterday.

So I hopped on the bike,
and peddled out,
because reliability's what its all about.

August 15, 1997

There once was a woman named Becky,
who wanted to get a little nakey,
so off with the clothes,
like nobody knows,
So I said what the hecky.

There once was a chick last name Larson,
who claimed that she was an arson.
Nobody believed,
she said, "You'll see",
then burned up all of Charleston.

There once was a girl with a bottle,
who said, "step on the throttle."
I pushed down the gas,
the bottle went up her ass.
When she got out she could only waddle.

There once was a guy named Willy,
who liked this young little filly.
A little chick,
with lips made to suck dick,
is what he wanted, really.

There once was a woman I worked for,
who was quite on old whore.
She wanted me bad,
So I am what she had,
right there on the office floor.

There once was a guy who was on leave,
who met this guy named Steve.
On the first date,
they had found their true mate,
each other, can you believe.

There once was a guy from Mountain Home,
all over the country he did roam,
to find parts for his truck,
and then just his luck,
he ended up in a poem.

There is a guy named Lee,
Who loaned some money to me.
The poor stupid fuck,
was shit out of luck,
when I took the money with me.

Everytime I write,
about things which might be funny,
I start out right,
then end up with something gross or about money.

August 16, 1997


Cheese is to me,
a fabulous way to be.

Why must women treat me so?
They catch my heart then have to go.
I get to the point I know them well,
then we part, and lose that spell.
The magic of each others embrace,
is just the start, just a taste,
of what I might once again feel.
Like being hit by a dart, I'll know its real.

There once was a woman named Cat,
who became unusually fat.
No one knew why,
except for one guy,
her husband, I'll leave it at that.

There once was a chick named Rebecca,
who called herself "The Inspecta"
If the merchandise,
was not all that nice,
she became "The Rejecta".

September 18, 1997

There once was a guy from all over,
Who wanted to drive a land rover
but he drove his black Olds,
'til it rusted with holes,
and relied on his four leaf clover.

Now that I'm back, the season is done,
the idiots have all turned to run
away from the one who put art in smart,
and if you're smart you'd also part.

Go away, leave me here,
go home and have a beer,
The world is mine, and under control,
left to me by some dumb fool
who works by day to ruin my night,
but I will not put up a fight.
I am stuck inside the dotted line
unable to get what is rightfully mine.
Freedom is what I mean to say,
that thing that I thought would always stay
in my life, without ever going away,
its gone for now, but will be back some day.

June 22, 1998

jagree3 no longer writes poems to me

I think about why, and see that the poems have died
at the time of my loss of desire
to work in this hole at a job that is dull
Where's the McDonalds "I'm for hire"?

If you are bored, I would like to hear some poems.


July 5, 1998

There is nothing new in my male tool.
I am so sad.
Nobody here to talk to today.
The computers are not fun.
They just waste my time.
I have 118 more days to waste.
PT Test at 0600 in the morning.
I slept 2 3/4 hours last night.
I did not sleep well.
I am very tired.
You will read what I type to stay awake.
I'm sorry if it is dull.
I have become so dull.
My hope is harder to find.
I no longer live on the edge.
I no longer take chances.
I no longer go out to dance.
I miss dancing.
I don't feel like dancing.
What I used to feel is tainted.
I last danced with Jennifer.
That was the best time dancing ever.
Never since.
Someday, when the time is right.
I no longer drink.
I am too cheap.
I'm not paying to feel like shit.
I want speakers and engines and hard drives.
I want to go home.
I had a home once.
I went back.
It is not home.
The person I call mom lives there.
And this guy who's name she took.
Unwin is the name.
It is not fancy.
It has no power.
My engine looks good.
I want my stereo back on the road.
I want to get away at will.
I hate being stuck.
I hate asking for rides even more.
I hate Schofield Barracks.
I never knew hate until the Army.
I use the term hate often. . .
Unfortunately I do.
All hate comes down from frustration.
Frustration of being stuck.
It is not that I am low rank.
Rank means shit.
I have no choice for my life.
If I become a bum,
I will be a free bum.
If I become a multizillionaire,
I will be free.
If I become free,
I will be wealthy,
with life.
She sure is a persistant bitch.
Somebody cares for their job.
Blue skies, never seen.
Dark of night, never seen.
Blue is hidden.
Dark is felt.
So depressing.
Searching aggressively.
For sanity.
Searching aggressively.
For my sanity.
Searching endlessly.
For what is lost.
Searching endlessly.
For what I lost.
Searching sleeplessly.
For what was felt.
Searching sleeplessly.
For what I felt.
Searching frantically.
For completeness.
Searching frantically.
For my completeness.
Searching persuasively.
For the curves to follow.
Searching persuasively.
For the curves I follow.
Searching aggressively.
For my sanity.
Searching aggressively.

July 10, 1998

Chewy, sticky, everywhere,
these little red things are great.
I squish out the air and all that is there
is evidence of my stupidity trait.

On the tongue, on the face,
I cannot get enough of the taste,
of the little red things,
or maybe I'll sing:

Hello, is it me you're looking for?

Subject: Government time of Government property

"You have clean up tonight."
"You have to clean up the parking lot this morning."
"You have stairwell detail this week."
"You have to make sure your room is squared away."
"You have weapons cleaning tomorrow."
"You have duty driver on the 23rd."
"You have area beautification today."
"You have COOP training coming up."
"You have to go to this month's range."
"You have CTT testing tonight at work."
"You have MOPP4 training on the 12th."
"You have joint clean up tonight."
"You have KTA for three weeks."
"You have to move microwaves next."
"You have a record APFT on the 19th."
"You have to go to PT at Duck Pond."
"You have a critic test at 11:30 tomorrow."
"What are you going to do if you get out?"

A "Dan the Man" chat session between Des and myself


Dan the man with a pan?
Dan the man with a tucan?
Dan the man with Iran
Dan the man with his uncle sam
Dan the man with master plan.
Dan the man with a van doing the can can with a pan in his hand.
Dan the man with a fan.
Dan the man with a piece of spam
Dan the man with a need to cram.
Dan the man - BAM!
Dan the man jumps high and slams.
Dan the man programming fortran.
Dan the man keeps them warm in Iceland.
Dan the man with a swollen gland
Dan the man happy cause times passin (pass-an)
Dan the man sitting on the LAN
Dan the man turned around and ran
Dan the man is his only fan


Dan the man!
Dan the man with the ham
Dan the man with a short plan
Dan the man with a crayon
Dan the man with the Ind-ian
Dan the man can't wait to go jam
Dan the man with schlong in hand
Dan the man with some sdram
Dan the man with a new woman
Dan the man gonna go cruis-an
Dan the man kickin the program
Dan the man gots a nice tan
Dan the man my stomache hurts
Dan the man doesn't give a damn

Steve (Duke) Newcomb

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                /   \#   (_O)  /\  (O_)   #/   \
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                  \_/|       -\__/-       |\_/
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                      \     ________     /
                       \   | |    | |   /
                        \   \|    |/   /
                         \   | <> |   /
                           |        |
                           |        |
   / --  -- \
 /\| (o)(o) |/\
 \_|   /\   |_/
   \  ____  /
      |  |

Paul (Zep) Mackie

                /         \
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             /\|  <>   <>  |/\
             \<|    /_\    |>/
               \    ===    /
                \   \_/   /
                 \       /
                   |   |
                  /     \

Scott Mackaben

                                /           \
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                               |   <>   <>   |
                              <       ^       >
                               |   _______   |
                               |             |
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                                   /|   |\
                                    | | |
                                    | | |
                                    == ==

Wesley Miles Ramsey

                                    _____     _____
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                                 /                   \
                                 |                   |
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                                  /                 \
                                _ |                 | _
                               / \|  ****     ****  |/ \
                               | <|   (o)     (o)   |> |
                                \_|       / \       |_/
                                  |      <___>      |
                                  |     __###__     |
                                   \    \/____/    /
                                    \   /         /
                                       |       |
                                       |_  -  _|
                              ________/  \___/  \________
                             /    \   \         /   /    \
                            /      \ X \       / X /      \
                           /        \   \     /   /        \                 =
                           |         \ X \   / X /          \               / \
                           |      |   \   \ /   /   |\       \             /   \
                           |      |    \ X V X /    | \       \           /_____\
                           |      |     \     /     |  \       \__________|__   |
                           |      |     /  X  \     |   \            | |   __>  |
                           |      |    /   ^   \    |    \           | |  | COLT|
                           |      |   / X / \ X \   |     \__________|_|__|  45 |
                           |      |  /   /   \   \  |                     |_____|
                           |      | / X /     \ X \ |                     \_____/
                           |______|/   /  ___  \   \|
                           |______|_X_/__/   \__\_X_|
                            |    |<______|WMR|______>
                            \|||||/ /    \___/    \ \
                                 /  |             |  \
                                /    \           /    \
                               /      \         /      \
                              /        \  ___  /        \
                             /          \/   \/          \
                            /           /     \           \
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                            |_________|         |_________|
                          _____/     |           |     \_____
                         /           |-x       x-|           \
                         |_______/\__|           |__/\_______|