Tristan Wolfe's PoemsEverybody

Tristan Wolfe's Poems

November 20, 1996

The Peanut

A peanut sat on the railroad track,
Its heart was all a-flutter;
The five-fifteen came rushing by,
Toot! toot! peanut butter!

November 28, 1996

Here I sit, broken hearted;
Tried to copy Gook, but only farted.
Why can't I get good stuff like my good friend Trong,
Guess it may be related to the size of his ______.
It's almost time to go home now,
Time to down my troubles in a bottle,
And then go knock on Trong's door,
And then run to the class six,
And buy some more,
And, and, gotta copy more.

December 2, 1996

anywhere you go, I'll follow you down
any place but those I've known by heart
I'll follow you down, but not that far
Hey, check out that dude's scar
He must have been in a wreck with a car
How are you ever gonna find your place
When you're runnin' at this pace?
(Please finish this poem for me...)


December 4, 1996

Armstrong hasn't written in God knows how long
May be he's been occupied with his miniscule ______.
That's how rumor has it, so I guess it must be true,
Or may be he might have gotten struck in his sticky _____.
That I don't believe, I know it can't be true,
Not ever since that accident back in '82
Ever since that time, he's never been the same
always complaining that his third leg was ... lame.
I suppose it doesn't matter, I suppose it's all the same
If he doesn't write me, then why should I complain?!

The weather, it's been sunny,
not a sign of snow
All I really wish is back home I could go
Work here is rather boring,
and life, well it's the same,
what I'd do for snow or even a little rain
But for the time being
They have me by the balls
As the saying goes, I guess that duty calls
So I'll do what they tell me,
every little thing,
so they don't squeeze too hard on my poor little....thing.


Two candy bars I just ate
To people I can't relate
What God would give me
such an awful fate?
I guess there is a reason
that I am sitting here
if nothing else than to drink lots of beer
I am bored writing, what else can I do
Guess I'll untie, and re-tie my shoe...

December 9, 1996

Gerico Josh was very posh
and oh, did I tell you he liked to mosh
Well he met a lady at a club
and wanted to show her his little stub
She looked and looked and looked all around
Even looked in the ashtray and on the ground
By this time Scott's face was all red
All he wanted was to get some h___.
She said to him, "Where's it at."
He came back with, "There, big and fat!"
All of a sudden her face frowned
And her passed-out body hit the ground
There among Scott's nappy mound
Was his miniscule thing, microscopic and brown
The moral of this story is
Don't let Josh show you his

There once was a guy named Scotty
He liked to sleep with his mommy
One day he brought home Tommy
For the pleasure of his mommy
Tommy and his mommy were gettin' it on
And so was Scott...

In response to poem about my infatuation with your s____.
You must be toking heavily on your bong
Because every other sentence in your poem was wrong
I could care less about your rinky-dinky s____.
And then when you said that I liked guys
needless to say this came as a surprise
Especially when I saw Josh sneaking out of your place
Hair all a-mess, and your stuff all over his face
So write a poem, and write it good,
apologizing like you know you should.

December 20, 1996

There once was a man named Dan
Whom everyone thought was a man
Until one day,
He declared he was ___.
And everyone said, "HEY, HEY!"
And all his friends went away,
And then he began to work
Until his hands grew to his rack,
And his fiancee thought what a jerk
And she gave him a smack
square on the back,
until he began to cry,
"Why Honey, why?"
And then his friends saw
he wasn't such a bad guy,
and his girlfriend said
"I'll meet you in bed,"
And all this made Dan spin his head
Until he was dead,
So Jennifer sat in bed,
wanting to give someone ____.
Then in walked Noble instead,
And he promptly sat on the bed,
Jennifer was turned off by the lard
Besides, Noble couldn't get ____.
So Noble walked out
And Jennifer started to pout
And that's all this poem is about

December 21, 1996

Tommy is a person who has no hair
yes, his head is completely bare
one day he went out lookin' for action
but he noticed to his dissatisfaction
that the women didn't like his baldness
and this fact drove tommy to maddness
(so he stumbled back to the barracks)
knocking on doors until he found
a girl who liked his head, shiny and round
they spend the whole night snuggling together
she rubbed his bald head faster and faster
adding wax, and buffing until it gleamed
this poem doens't rhyme, but I don't care
because Tommy is bald, he has no hair

Scott woke up with a grin
As some stuff dribbled off his chin
He glanced to his right
and to his delite
He saw his cute little guy
who had just ___ed in Scott's eye.
They began to play kind of ruff
And Scott began to get gruff
"Get that thing out of me,"
"when you have to go pee,"
I've had enough of this stuff!"

excuse me while I puke....

I'd like to say that I'm sorry
For what I wrote about Scott
I know he isn't that way
I know that he isn't gay.
This is all that I wanted to say,
plus one thing more if I may
Scott if at me you make a pass
Then I'll have to kick your ass
Dan I'd like to warn
'bout Scott's tendencies after seeing porn
Just stay away
You'll be OK
That's all I have to say.


December 22, 1996

It goes to the tune of "Walking in a Winter Wonderland."

Lacy things my wife is missin'
Didn't ask for her permission.
I'm wearing her clothes, silky panty hose.
Walkin' 'round in women's underwear.

In the drawer there is a teddy
With little straps like spaghetti.
It holds me so tight, like handcuffs at night.
Walkin' 'round in women's underwear.

In the office there's a guy names Melvin
He likes to pretend I'm Murphy Brown.
He'll say, "Are you ready?" I'll say, "Whoa man!"
"Let's wait until my wife is outta town."

Later on, if ya wanna
We can dress like Madonna.
My wife can never know what's under my clothes.
Walkin' 'round in women's underwear.

Merry Christmas,

December 24, 1996

To the tune of Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer...

Josh Scott the tight ass son-of-a-gun
Never, never helped his friends
And if you ever asked him
For some money he would say no

All of his other tightwad friends
namely Dan and Walter Lee
Would never help a friend out
Pay for dinner at Chil-ies

Then one hot Hawaiian day
Tristan he did say
Why don't you get a direct deposit
To my checking account today!

December 26, 1996

Dan, Dan, he's the man,
If he can't do it, no one can.
Once I saw him driving fast
All the other cars he did pass
He was in the fast lane,
Weaving in and out,
Boy that van of his
sure has clout.

Dan's the man with the bumping van
If he can't do it, no one can
Drives so fast, drives so good
Likes to go crusin' when he's in the hood.
Once I saw him driving by,
Then all of a sudden bullets started to fly
I ducked inside a store as they did fire
Threw out some tacks and popped his tire
He lost control of that big old van
Ran straight into a garbage can
When he stepped out and looked around
On his face was a big 'ol frown
My poor van, my poor van,
It's all fugged up, man oh man

December 27, 1996

Trevor, Trevor, he is clever
With every last endeavor
But then one day he saw Captain Root
Who he saluted with his boot
Well then Root said, "Stop right there."
And Trevor gave a stupid stare.
Sorry sir, I didn't see
That brass up there, all shiney
Captain Root said right back
"Don't you worry you little sack",
"I've got something just for you,"
"And I'd take it like a man if I were you."
Trevor was shocked, Trevor was scared.
And to run he prepared.
But just then Captain Root handed something to Trevor
"This is for those who think they're clever."
Trevor saw the letter in his hand and wondered what is said
"Sorry Trevor but you're in for 4 more years instead."

January 2, 1997

What's up JP, welcome to's a little welcoming poem

There once was a guy named JP
Who actually thought he was free
He finally got to Hawaii
And caught a glimpse of the blue sky
But then they put him to work
Like he was some kind of jerk
Then his friend Tristan did say,
"I hope you got a picture of that blue sky because you'll probably never see it again...damned this place..."

Take care JP,

June 23, 1997

For Billy Boy it had been a while
So he said to her with a great big smile
Let's get nude and do the deed
For in you I'll plant my seed
She looked at him and said no way
Your dick in your pants will stay
Poor little Bill was real sad,
For the thought there was pussy to be had
But in the end he got him some
Inside that sheep he did cum.

July 1, 1997

Josh Scott has a theory for every little thing
He'll talk to you and talk to you 'til your ears begin to ring
He likes to talk about everything of which he doesn't know
Until you tell him emphatically, "Hey, I gotta go!"

But there are some things of which he knows a lot
Ask him about Dan's intake manifold and he'll get real hot
Hot and 'roused and steamy and wet--this is how he'll seem
But look out when he's in this state--he'll be likely to cream

And if Bill walks in the room when Josh is in this state
He'll be likely to join in the fun and start to masterbate
Bill and Josh and Dan, all standing--hand in hand
You can't tell me this thought isn't rather bland

Can't you picture these three homos standing all alone
Each of them trying to find the other's miniscule bone
That's a sight I pray to God that I never see
But I know if I did that I would surely flee.

Just teasin' guys--so how do you like my debute poem?


August 13, 1997

Little Bill is my name
I have a car and it's a shame
that I try to fix it good
but I can't even lift the hood
Everyday I make a plan
But carry out I no can
I asked Dan to help me repair
but it's obvious he don't care
So I'll take it to the shop
and my engine they will drop
It'll cost me all my cash
Hope Wolfe finds another stash
To pay the bills and make ends meet
For him that'll be quite a feat
But one day my car will run
And then I'll go and have some fun
I'll ask Dawn out like I said I would
Take her to a movie and treat her good
And if I'm lucky then who knows
She might remove all her clothes
But this hinges on one unknown
Will I ever get my car goin'?

April 22, 1998

This is a poem about Dan the man
He hangs out on our local LAN
Dan knows a lot about C++
He could even tell you about a video bus
Sometimes Dan tries to speak Eng-lish
But all that comes out is rub-bish
One day a program Dan will make
And possession of the Earth it will take
Dan will be God of all the land
Killing people with the touch of his hand
But I'm lucky because I'm Dan's friend
My best interests Dan surely will defend
If this scenario comes to be
I have one request of Dan for me
Create me a virtual woman, sexy and a slut
And give her a really, really nice butt
If Dan does this favor for me
In his debt I'll always be

Thanks Dan!!

Oh lord, I am bored
I tried to sleep, but snored
Getting caught, I can't afford
What do I do?!
Smell my shoe?
Drink Mountain Due?
Staying awake is an impossibility
but it's also a responsibility
So I'll sit here and write
Throughout the night
I'll write a poem about writing a poem
About writing a poem about writing a poem
About being bored.
Boy, this isn't helping
In fact, it's compounding
The boredom.
The boredom.
I want to sleep, I want to snooze
These mids give me the blues
To stay awake I must fight
Only a couple hours left tonight
And if you also have nothing to do
Write a little poem to you know who!

May 28, 1998

Heavy eye lids drooping down
Head starts to nod around
Eyes are dry and start to blur
Speech becomes one long slur
I am tired can't you tell
I'm not hiding it very well
My mind is slow, I cannot think
Here I am, on the brink
No! I can't fall asleep!
Because up behind me Shane would creep
Plant a tag upon my back:
"Here lies Mr. Slack"
So I'll try to stay awake
I can do it, piece of ...... ZZzzzzzzz.

July 8, 1998

My ass they can kiss
Next month I'll be in bliss
Outa the Army and on my way
In my life they'll have no say
Rank will be just a piece of steel
If you're a piece of shit, I'll tell you how I feel
Call me in on my one day break?
Time and a half you will pay
"Fuck you" I could say
without the threat of UCMJ
No more idiots deciding for me
I'll be in charge, I'll be free
I can't wait for this month to pass
'Til I can tell the Army to kiss my ass!

Take it easy, Dan. We're almost outa here!! Later, Tristan